the power of life and death … or my serious mom-fail … or the gratitude homestretch sucks

One thought on “the power of life and death … or my serious mom-fail … or the gratitude homestretch sucks”

  1. Oh, Stephanie. I so feel your pain. I too, am guilty of harsh words with my ultra sensitive children…and with the not so sensitive ones. I cannot tell you how many times I would look into stricken faces, see the hurt in the big brown eyes and the Holy Spirit would stop me, sometimes mid-sentence. I’d have to apologize to those faces, try to “unsay” something I just said and then I’d ask my kids for a “do-over.” Right out loud. I’d say…”Know what? I’m having a bad hair day and I’m taking it out on you. Will you please forgive me? Can we pretend that we never had this conversation? I’m going to walk out of the room now and when I come back I’ll be your real Mom…not this grouchy pants person with a bad attitude. And…I’d walk out, or hang up as the case was later with teens and cell phones. Then I’d either walk back in, or call back and start the whole conversation over.

    Usually after a reset, everyone could calm down. I was lucky that I didn’t have one who melted down like you little Teagan. Not sure what I would have done with that. Probably not something good. (sigh)

    My ultra sensitive one would melt down quietly. I’d ask him to do something that he didn’t believe he could do perfectly…and I’d come back to find him with tears rolling down his cheeks, just weeping softly. It was enough to break the heart of a statue…but unfortunately this child’s birth position in the family, third after two head-strong, obnoxious children who were rebellious teens at that point didn’t allow me time to have a broken heart. I’m ashamed to say that many times I’d just snatch him up rudely, do TO him what I wanted him to do himself…sox, shoes, jacket, teeth, whatever…and roughly shove him into the truck for the drive to pre-school.

    I’d usually been fighting with whichever teen had been all up in my face so I was frustrated and sometimes angry clear to the bone. Plus we had money issues which my husband and I were fighting over, so that didn’t help. Add into the mix baby girl who was a newborn at the time and you can see that I was on emotional overload.

    But that doesn’t excuse my treatment of my poor little son. I usually tried to stop at preschool and send him off with a hug and a kiss, but still, I’m happy to say that he managed to grow up well in spite of me. He tells me he really doesn’t remember my bad temper very much. He remembers me sitting with him at night and rubbing his back and singing to him. He remembers me holding him on my lap while we watched stupid Barney movies together and he remembers me defending him against his older brother.

    What he does remember about my temper is that when I lost it, I would come back and tell him how I was wrong for the words I said and the things I did. All of my children tell me that they so appreciated it when I would admit my mistakes and my failures to them. It took some of the pressure off of them. They understood that it was ok to fall down. You just have to learn from it and then pick yourself back up.

    You are letting the Holy Spirit lead you in raising these precious ones and when He’s guiding you, you cannot fail…at least not ultimately. Just keep listening…keep learning…keep growing…keep loving.

    Hugs!!

    Danya

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