I don’t think it’s an accident that The Stinker Bell was born in October. I don’t think anything is an accident, for that matter. But this one thing in particular…
You see, I didn’t want this pregnancy or this baby. When I found out I was pregnant with a girl, I was even more freaked out. And when she was born, she was never satisfied … which led me to even more regrets.
I was mad at God, mad at Mr. Old School, mad at that baby girl, mad at myself… Just mad. And losing my mind. And feeling so incredibly alone and out of control.
She was so fussy that no one wanted to babysit her (not even the world’s best grandma … you know that’s saying something!). For the first five months of her life, she was a terror.
But now (three years later), at five years old today, I still cannot imagine life without her.
I’m not sharing about her birthday to gush about her so much, though — even though she does light up our whole world. I’m sharing about her birthday because I feel like getting to celebrate her birth in October is God’s kiss to me.
You see, October is “Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month”. It’s the month that social media blows up with talk about lost pregnancies and babies.
I hate it.
It still hurts.
Because my lost baby didn’t live to be held in my arms. My lost baby isn’t with me today. Most days, my life is blissfully unaware of that loss. But in October, I’m reminded of it every day. And I die inside every day.
But God’s kiss to me is this… that, even when I had decided that my heart was too hurt to make more babies… when I spent every moment of my third pregnancy (with Stinker Bell) waiting for everything to go wrong and freaking out at the drop of a hat instead of bonding with her… when she was born and I literally hated her…
She is such a source of joy in the face of these horrible reminders of our loss.
I awoke with a heart filled with sorrow, but this morning, per our usual school day routine, I climbed into her bed and got under her covers. As I brought her in to me to wake her, she wrapped her arms around my neck and sleepily said, “I love you more than ever, Mommy.”
She does. Love me. And I love her like I’ve never experienced love before. And I wouldn’t have her had my lost baby lived.Celebrating her is God’s kiss to me every October.
She’s my fulfilled promise. Even when I had released God of His promise. He didn’t let it go. And I’m so very thankful.